On Nola Pfau’s website, X-Men Book Club, Kayleigh, and Claire were discussing Doug Ramsey, also known as Cypher, deeming him the worst X-Man ever.  I offer a taste of their exchange:

Kayleigh: Cypher, frequently cited by fanboys as one of the worst X-Men of all time! But why? Does he deserve it?

Claire: No, but he’s also not interesting. He’s like the junior version of what Rosie [Knight] sees as the use for Cyclops—just mister normal, there for comparison. Useful, but dull.

To be fair, I also first/mostly encountered him in retrospect, post-mortem. He was the X-Men’s first teenage death, right? I can’t remember if the Phalanx Covenant was before or after he died, but what I mean is that he’s a definitive plus one! Doug … and Kitty. Doug … and Warlock. Doug … and Rahne. Doug … and Betsy. He is a supporting character, a piece of the furniture.

Ouch.  Not even Aquaman has been considered furniture, and even Ultra the Multi-Alien has never been called useful but dull.  In fairness, Kayleigh later steps back from her harsh tone . . . a little bit:

Kayleigh: Doug’s passive mutant power to understand languages made him pretty unique next to the characters who had adamantium claws or could shoot force beams from their eyes, and his presence among the New Mutants was a potent reminder that they were supposed to be students first, not warriors. (Of course, we know how well that worked out.) He was a little milquetoast, yeah, but underrated as the normie on the team and possible audience POV character.

Underrated, indeed.  Doug never will play either role in the legendary fastball special, and if walking into a questionable alley I’d want Wolverine or Colossus with me rather than Doug.  When asking anyone about powers many would say, “Claws,” or “Metallic skin,” but no way.  I want Doug Ramsey’s power, the best mutant power imaginable – omni-linguistics.

Doug can speak, write, read, and comprehend any language he encounters, living or dead, human or alien, including codes and computer languages.  This ability operates intuitively, meaning that he absorbs languages subconsciously, not consciously as with non-mutant linguists, and this process can occur within minutes.  Doug’s powers aren’t much against Magneto or Apocalypse, but I dwell in the real world, not an imaginary one with Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters.  In the real world, omni-linguistic powers would rock.

Salaries for UN interpreters run from $71, 990 to $210, 000 annually depending on source and most likely an interpreter’s classification level.  According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, those working for private concerns earned a $53,640 median salary per year. However, salary ranges varied depending on employer, location, industry, and other factors, of course.  These numbers aside, Doug could write his ticket especially since his range includes computer languages.  Talk about human capital.  Doug would be the LeBron James of linguists.  I might get used to that.

Beyond material gain resides my real dream – reading untranslated literature.  Never again would I feel trapped behind layers of translation.  I could read anything ever written!  I could understand idioms, idiosyncrasies, and metaphors as they were crafted originally.  I wonder, though, how unconscious prejudices I may harbor would muddy this process.  I’d never know until obtaining this blessing, but still – reading Gilgamesh untranslated, even thinking about it, sends shivers all through me.  Related to this is a drive to revive dying languages to support cultural survival if possible.  Yes, shivers abound.

Watch me throw a dart at a map and visit wherever it landed without worrying about communication barriers.  No phrase books or apps are needed because I would be a living app.  Once while sharing a train ride with a Swedish gentleman, an Italian woman, and a German middle-aged couple, I sat amazed witnessing the Swede translate for all of us.  I complimented him on his skill, noting he must be quite gifted.  He shrugged and replied, “Swedish students start learning languages from the cradle.  That young, it’s more about acquisition than anything.  This fades with age, of course.”  Don’t I know it.  Decades later I struggled with Ukrainian while with the Peace Corps.  Sign me up for omni-linguistics now.

Finally, how meaningful would it be to handle disagreements without physical conflict but through the power of words?  Here’s where I’d gather the most satisfaction, knowing my skills could handle disputes from academic squabbles to international wars.  I couldn’t solve age-old differences or even sudden flare-ups single-handedly, but I’d strive to do my part because Mutant omni-linguists don’t tire like non-mutant interpreters.  As long as I was needed, I’d be there without a god complex or delusions of grandeur.

Laugh if you will at my evaluation, fanboys.  I’m sticking with my judgment and my wish to feel the joys inherent to possessing such wonderful gifts. Omni-linguistics for the win.  Just remember to point those claws away from me, please.